celibate in the suburbs

Hello lovebugs!

    I went on a date today. I know normally that's a very exciting statement but honestly date's are so scary. I don't know how to act so I kinda just end up shutting down and acting like a complete bitch in the name of self preservation. I don't mean to I just get so scared of being weird that I end up closing off my entire personality- which is actually weird. 

    It was lowkey the same date I've been on a million times. The dreaded first date where you don't know each other but you both think the other is cute enough to maybe kiss. He was definitely cute enough to kiss (I did in fact kiss him when we were schwasted at a bar but that doesn't count, I've decided it didn't happen) but beyond that I don't know if there's anything there. I don't know. I've been known to find a million things wrong with someone before giving them a real chance- again in the name of self preservation. I don't know if dating in your twenties is the trenches or if I just decided to close myself off from romance to avoid the hurt that comes with feelings. Emotional intimacy is embarrassing and I guess I just decided no one I've dated recently is deserving of it. Which is also lowkey a lie because I will push away my potential love interests while also projecting some grand romantic fantasy on them. I know it's unfair and I'll never hold anyone accountable to my own delusions but I'd be lying if I said they weren't there. 

    Anyways back to the date itself. I was lowkey dry and embarrassed while still trying to have a personality. I giggled a lot and joked and he asked a bunch of questions about me. (I do feel like I should mention that I actually went on a first date with him a few months ago. Honestly we've been on 3 first dates and I know what you're thinking lovebug! It's not a first date anymore and to that I say- no but it is I swear). We got coffee and looked at books and movies and discovered we have very different tastes. We basically just talked about a lot everything and nothing at the same time. It was a very standard first date. Nothing really stood out. Maybe we're just not compatible. Or maybe I preemptively decided we're not compatible. I don't know. I guess I'll keep talking to him and see where it leads. He was fairly cute. 

P.S.

    Today my sneaky link texted me like bruh you would text me when I have a date.