indefinite inadequacy

 Hi lovebugs! 

    Unfortunately I am an exceedingly anxious wreck and my melodramatic tendencies did rear its ugly head today. All in all it was actually quite a good day. We had this social media guy come into work to film content and while I was talking to him and this actor he had brought with he lowkey hired us on the spot for a short film he's been working on (yay!). Now personally I do think he should at least have us audition before locking us in but hey I'm not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth and like kick it's teeth in. Also the likelihood that he'll actually lock me in for this short film is pretty slim but maybe I should just manifest that I will be in it. Anyways they interviewed me for our TikTok and like I just kept babbling. And when I say babbling I mean capital b BABBLING. I talked about every coffee bean we had in the store, I talked about past events, local art, all my coworkers, and I even had time to space out. It's probably much worse in my memory (and I am definitely catastrophizing it because my introverted coworker said I talked a lot) but I just was so anxious I couldn't help but keep speaking. As soon as the interview ends I get back to work and like take care of the line that was forming while my coworker made the drinks and I couldn't help but think I am an utter embarrassment. I started to disassociate and think about how I'm not in control of how it'll be edited and I don't know what I look like on camera and soon everything was overwhelming me. Like I couldn't help but cry over everything. I held it in on the surface but inside my body there were these huge tsunami like waves crashing against the sand in my brain. I also had to reschedule a date with this cute boy and waiting for his response also furthered my spiral but nothing hurt me more than seeing this girl with this man. It was this 20 something year old beautiful brown girl with her white grandpa, I'm guessing that's what they were to each other, I'm actually not quite sure. You should know dear reader that I completely fabricated the nature of their relationship and based it solely on brown me and my white grandpa. When I tell you seeing them together just absolutely wrecked me. The overthinking took a turn and evolved into the most intense self deprecation I've thought in a long time. Thoughts of inadequacy and how I haven't seen my family in so long because whenever I see them they remind me I am indeed a loser. Reminders of how their love is indeed conditional and I never managed to reach their heteronormative standards the way my sister did. The only person who's never made me feel like this is my dad. Well my dad and my grandpa. My grandpa had been my best friend my whole life and I feel like I just abandoned him. It's not his fault me and my grandma can't stand to be in the same room together. But even when we are alone it's just different. I can tell I disappointed him too. He doesn't care about the heteronormative bull shit everyone else does but I know he expected more from me. I can see it in the way he looks at me and I just can't take it. The long silences when we're alone kill me. I know he's angry, I know he feels like he failed me just as much as I failed him. That was my tipping point today dear readers and that is what made me explode when my best friend came over for quesadilla's. That among many other things I've been ignoring lately. She is of course the smartest person I know and reminded me it's okay to feel my feelings and even explode a little sometimes. I didn't tell her about my grandpa, I don't think I realized how much it bothered me til right this moment. I do talk about him sometimes. He's only like 15 minutes away from me too. My grandparents moved closer so that we could visit more. I've never really been able to fulfill my end of the deal for too long. I'm tired of everyone basically asking me when I'll be enough for them. Probably never. I'm never going to be enough. That's okay I'm enough to my dad and my best friend. That's really all I need right now. 

Sincerely, 

        someone who can't stop babbling