soak up the sun

𓆝𓆟༝˚｡⋆𓆉︎⋆｡˚༝𓆞𓆝

      Hi lovebugs! 

    I finally went to the beach!! Yay yippee! This summer has been so incredibly horrendously hot I hadn't been yet. Well at least not til today I hadn't. It was still insanely hot though. Like I genuinely cannot remember a time when I've ever consistently had beads of sweat dripping down my face. Also the ocean just like has major beef with me. My best friend was over in the water looking all magical with her long beautiful buss down curly hair like straight up little mermaid throwing it over her head and the waves beat my ass all the way back to the shore. It was honestly quite funny. Like every time I caught my bearings after getting knocked over a new giant wave would try it's hardest to flip me over. I saw clams! They were wiggling around in the sand all wiggly like when the waves crashed to shore. 

 

one of the non moving clams, I picked it up cause I thought it was a seashell.

        I'm also surprisingly really well rested. I napped the entire ride up and back. ugh what a perfect beach day. I didn't even get a sunburn. Or I don't this I did. I always get sunburn along my cheeks and nose it looks like blush. It's cute until it starts to peel, I'm scared my face will be all crazy when I go on my trip to Canada next week. It'll be okay. It doesn't look sunburnt but it does feel super tight. 

    Sigh what a beautiful day away. It's even better now that I'm all clean and on my laptop. Oh crap I just realized I need to change the date on my digital camera. lol it is not 2025. Well I'm gonna go eat my last slice of pizza and sip on some Coke Zero.

Sincerely, 

                A mermaid with a pink sparkly tail and long pink and black hair. Also my mermaid power is                         echo location. 

𓆝𓆟༝˚｡⋆𓆉︎⋆｡˚༝𓆞𓆝

indefinite inadequacy

 Hi lovebugs! 

    Unfortunately I am an exceedingly anxious wreck and my melodramatic tendencies did rear its ugly head today. All in all it was actually quite a good day. We had this social media guy come into work to film content and while I was talking to him and this actor he had brought with he lowkey hired us on the spot for a short film he's been working on (yay!). Now personally I do think he should at least have us audition before locking us in but hey I'm not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth and like kick it's teeth in. Also the likelihood that he'll actually lock me in for this short film is pretty slim but maybe I should just manifest that I will be in it. Anyways they interviewed me for our TikTok and like I just kept babbling. And when I say babbling I mean capital b BABBLING. I talked about every coffee bean we had in the store, I talked about past events, local art, all my coworkers, and I even had time to space out. It's probably much worse in my memory (and I am definitely catastrophizing it because my introverted coworker said I talked a lot) but I just was so anxious I couldn't help but keep speaking. As soon as the interview ends I get back to work and like take care of the line that was forming while my coworker made the drinks and I couldn't help but think I am an utter embarrassment. I started to disassociate and think about how I'm not in control of how it'll be edited and I don't know what I look like on camera and soon everything was overwhelming me. Like I couldn't help but cry over everything. I held it in on the surface but inside my body there were these huge tsunami like waves crashing against the sand in my brain. I also had to reschedule a date with this cute boy and waiting for his response also furthered my spiral but nothing hurt me more than seeing this girl with this man. It was this 20 something year old beautiful brown girl with her white grandpa, I'm guessing that's what they were to each other, I'm actually not quite sure. You should know dear reader that I completely fabricated the nature of their relationship and based it solely on brown me and my white grandpa. When I tell you seeing them together just absolutely wrecked me. The overthinking took a turn and evolved into the most intense self deprecation I've thought in a long time. Thoughts of inadequacy and how I haven't seen my family in so long because whenever I see them they remind me I am indeed a loser. Reminders of how their love is indeed conditional and I never managed to reach their heteronormative standards the way my sister did. The only person who's never made me feel like this is my dad. Well my dad and my grandpa. My grandpa had been my best friend my whole life and I feel like I just abandoned him. It's not his fault me and my grandma can't stand to be in the same room together. But even when we are alone it's just different. I can tell I disappointed him too. He doesn't care about the heteronormative bull shit everyone else does but I know he expected more from me. I can see it in the way he looks at me and I just can't take it. The long silences when we're alone kill me. I know he's angry, I know he feels like he failed me just as much as I failed him. That was my tipping point today dear readers and that is what made me explode when my best friend came over for quesadilla's. That among many other things I've been ignoring lately. She is of course the smartest person I know and reminded me it's okay to feel my feelings and even explode a little sometimes. I didn't tell her about my grandpa, I don't think I realized how much it bothered me til right this moment. I do talk about him sometimes. He's only like 15 minutes away from me too. My grandparents moved closer so that we could visit more. I've never really been able to fulfill my end of the deal for too long. I'm tired of everyone basically asking me when I'll be enough for them. Probably never. I'm never going to be enough. That's okay I'm enough to my dad and my best friend. That's really all I need right now. 

Sincerely, 

        someone who can't stop babbling 

˚ ༘♡ journal entry⋆｡˚ ❀

Hi lovebugs!

    Nothing too exciting to report about today. I went to work and cleaned out my fridge and like that's literally it. ew. I am however very excited to go thrifting at the goodwill bins tomorrow!! Me and my bested friend are driving 2 hours out of town to go binning because well...we have a shopping addiction. 

    I'm manifesting hmm let's see. fun shoes and Victoria's Secret and also probably like coach bags. I actually have a lot of all of the above I should really start posting my thrift finds under my thrift haul tab. It's a work in progress guys I'll get there I swear! 

    Well anyways that's the end to my little update today. Wish us luck on our binning tomorrow, I just really hope I don't touch anything nasty. 

ps. boy I went on a date with literally just asked me to dinner but I already ate and I look kinda fugly rn😟

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ welcome!

     I'm like hey what's up hello! I don't really know what to write here or how to introduce myself but I'd figure I'd at least try. I don't do a lot, I kinda feel like a ghost of a person. I'm far too destructive to be a ghost. I'm like a poltergeist. Like a really cunty poltergeist who can't stop spending money. 

Anywhosie, some more fun facts about me; I love Lana, my favorite color is pink, I'm gonna die alone, I have a sweet lil cat, and I own a lot of antiques. 

Xoxo,

         A loser 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪